|
|
Post by dawn on Nov 29, 2019 9:31:26 GMT
My friend became a parent at age 15 and both my friend and the other parent (also 15 at the time) agreed to give the baby up.
My friend's sister was much older (30's) and wanted to adopt the baby.
The child grew up calling their biological aunt and her husband Mom and Dad.
I asked my friend.... they know you're their real parent though, right?
My friend doesn't know. They think so but aren't really sure because it's never been discussed out loud.
The other parent never maintained any contact at all after the adoption.
My friend goes to the family thanksgivings and Christmases.
Yay holidays. 😐
Anyway, is it just me or is this not right? Shouldn't someone have the right to know who their birth parents are?
Of course it's none of my business and I didn't say anything to my friend.
But I figure it's something we can discuss without affecting anyone's life and I'm interested to read opinions.
|
|
pepe
I'm so glad that we at this board are special, not like other boards. You are all wonderful.
Posts: 4,200
Interests: Small semi controlled explosions
Location: Ahhhh the serenity!!!
Current Mood: tickettyboo thank ya very much
Sex: ummmmaaarrrrr thats ruuude!
|
Post by pepe on Nov 29, 2019 9:35:30 GMT
i think it would be best for the mum and dad to tell the child when they are old enough to understand - if they don't somebody else will and the chance to have the child understand may be lost
|
|
joono
Posts: 5,480
Interests: Brussel sprouts, alfalfa sprouts, bean sprouts
|
Post by joono on Nov 29, 2019 9:41:41 GMT
Does the child know that she was adopted. I think that's important to know. It's an odd situation and your friend must be pretty strong to "keep mum" about it.
What normally happens when a child is adopted? It's up to the child to ask the question when/if they want to know who their biological parents are. I think Flashie would have some answers for you.
Personally, I think if you adopt a baby out then you have given up any rights unless the child wants contact.
|
|
|
|
Post by figlet on Nov 29, 2019 9:46:06 GMT
That has happened a lot in the past, Dawn. Ateen having a baby and teens mother or Aunt or sister brings it up..
Yes,the child should be told before too long. There will be other rellies who know the truth and as pepe said it's not fair on the child if someone blabs 'the secret' out to the child.
|
|
|
|
Post by pennybanger on Nov 29, 2019 11:04:53 GMT
Yes, adopted children do have a right to know their birth parents. The child should have been told right from the start that he/she was adopted and then, as Joono said it's up to him/her to ask about birth parents when they are ready to do so. BUT it's up to the family to sort this out. I don't think an outsider should take it upon themself to say anything ( not suggesting that you would do this, Dawn I"m speaking generally.)
|
|
|
|
Post by dawn on Nov 29, 2019 12:10:48 GMT
I hate to give out details...
(Notice I never said if my friend is the mom or dad, nor if the child is male or female...)
But I have to add, (because I feel it makes a difference in the situation)... the child isn't a "child". The child is an adult.
This seems like, to me at least, that it has become a secret~ but for all we know the adopted party knows?
If it were me, I would put it all out in the open.
But my friend tiptoes around it. Not knowing if the adoptee knows, not asking if the sister/aunt/mom told.
I realize the large age difference.... I am very close to my sister who is 6 years older than me but not close at all to my brother who is 24 years older.
|
|
|
|
Post by dawn on Nov 29, 2019 12:19:34 GMT
When my friend told me about all of this (just today), my first thought was ~
What does this person call you when you see them on holidays?
Answer: By their first name.
Such a strange situation.
I guess we all hold secrets? I was stunned to learn all of this.
And as I stated, my friend confided but wasn't really looking for advice- just support, really.
I wouldn't feel comfortable asking any questions beyond what I asked.
|
|
|
|
Post by dawn on Nov 29, 2019 12:23:11 GMT
Totem post lol~~~
The picture of them all around the Kill Native Americans Holiday Tradition....
How could anyone not notice that these two are parent/child?
They are nearly identical but 15 years difference in age.
|
|
joono
Posts: 5,480
Interests: Brussel sprouts, alfalfa sprouts, bean sprouts
|
Post by joono on Nov 29, 2019 13:13:49 GMT
Why doesn't he/she just ask the adoptive parent/sister?
Just spill Dawn. I hate cryptic crosswords.
|
|
|
|
Post by dawn on Nov 29, 2019 14:42:25 GMT
I really don't know, Joono.
My friend said they don't want to cause trouble, so they don't ask.
I'm so not that type. I'd be in their faces. Who knows what, let's tell the truth, and let's not keep this cryptic anymore!
But that's me, not my friend. I'm not going to intrude, only discuss people no one here will ever know or meet.
The situation makes me feel sad for my friend and their child, but I can't change anything.
|
|
|
|
Post by dawn on Nov 29, 2019 14:44:25 GMT
I couldn't handle seeing my child at holidays only- and not knowing if they know the truth.
I
Would
Go
Insane
.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2019 19:41:28 GMT
your friend is not the"REAL" parent, s/he is only the bio parent. the "REAL" parents are the sister and her husband who have raised and loved this child from birth to adulthood.
i think your friend doesn't actually WANT to know if the child they gave up knows who its bio parents are, or they'd have asked while the child was still a child, or a teenager. as long as the child is happy, that's all that really matters. i'd bet s/he( the adopted child) does know, and doesn't feel it's necessary to acknowledge any relationship other than what they have now.
|
|
|
|
Post by humanbean on Nov 29, 2019 20:28:59 GMT
That is a compilated situation. Are there biological siblings that the adopted person doesn't know about? It would be sad to not know if it is the case.
|
|
kayoneuu1
Posts: 4,170
Interests: golf; grandkids; travel; food; sauvignon blanc; pinot gris ......
|
Post by kayoneuu1 on Nov 29, 2019 20:54:33 GMT
I’m probably going to leave this one to flashie (who, I think, is most qualified among us to comment), other than to say; every family is different. Every biological family is different and every adoptive family is different. There is no one right or wrong or better or worse way to do familying. Each one is unique and as long as they are loving and loved that’s all that matters.
Therein endith the lesson ☺️
|
|
|
|
Post by maggiemay on Nov 29, 2019 20:55:48 GMT
it is important these days to know because of medical issues.....that alone is sure to expose the truth one day
|
|
|
|
Post by humanbean on Nov 29, 2019 21:19:21 GMT
I grew up with a father who went to his grave not knowing who his father was. He searched all his life for his father's identity.
He was raised by his grandfather who he loved dearly. For some reason no one in his family would spill the beans. Someone had to have known. He grew up in a sparsely populated area of the Appalachian Mountains. I saw how important it was to him to know, when he visited he wondered was he talking to a brother, sister, cousin?
I know of three brothers who had no idea of the existence of each other. Two recently have been revealed to each other. The youngest not as far as I know. It should be their choice what to do about it.
When all the old people with their secrets are gone at least they could have each other if they want.
I have dabbled with Ancestry to find out who my grandfather was but I don't have the savvy to navigate the site. There is a prime candidate but I think that if DNA doesn't give an answer it is a lost cause.
Just another way to look at what as others have stated is not all that uncommon.....humans keeps secrets.
|
|
|
|
Post by flashie on Nov 29, 2019 23:00:24 GMT
Wow.
Adoption in any shape or form is always complicated.
So much to take into consideration.
Ideally it should be told to the child by the family with love.
But this isnt always the case.
When more than one person knows a secret it is bound to be told sooner or later.
There is bucket loads of adoption in my family.
They seemed to be a male dominated family........and a lot of the girls were adopted.
Me................I always knew I was adopted..........and my adoptive Mum died young.
My adoptive Dad took off and I grew up living between two of my brothers.
I married young and when my eldest daughter was born they thought she had an inherited illness.
Thank goodness she didn't.
But it made me want to know about my natural mother and father.
I found her.........and met her............and for a long time felt no connection to her.
We didnt see or speak to each other for 30 years................until a few years ago.
I am glad I met her.............I think everyone should know where they came from.
But maybe my views are coloured by my growing up with "not the best" parents.
My favourite Auntie only had one daughter.............and she adored her.
The daughter never knew she was adopted.
My Aunie went into care and her daughter went to see her twice a day every day for 8 years until my Auntie died..........she was in her late 90's when she died.
Her daughter was in her 70's.
An Uncle in our family decided that she needed to know the truth ........that she was adopted...........SHE WAS ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED.
She never spoke to any off us ever again.
She felt she had lived her whole life as a lie.
The one person who she adored more than anything was not who she thought she was.
See..................two stories............so so so different.
Each adopted persons story is different.
There is no "answer"
My personal view is I would rather be told by people who love me.....than be told is spite by someone.
|
|
kayoneuu1
Posts: 4,170
Interests: golf; grandkids; travel; food; sauvignon blanc; pinot gris ......
|
Post by kayoneuu1 on Nov 29, 2019 23:38:45 GMT
My sister had a baby who was adopted. He always knew and they were reunited when he was about 18. Everyone involved (except the biological father) gets along well. We have stayed with him and his wife and kids at their home. His brother however (who was also adopted) had a very unpleasant meeting with his bio mother and they haven’t spoken since.
Himself has a sister who was both adopted herself and gave a baby up for adoption. All those relationships are good. SiLs daughter visited her bio grandmother (my MiL) in the nursing home and was certainly included as part of the family at her funeral.
I also have loads of step and half relatives in my family.
All families are complicated and no two relationships, let alone families, are the same. There are no correct answers.
|
|
|
|
Post by figlet on Nov 30, 2019 1:05:59 GMT
A husband of one of my cousins (aged 50+ at that time) - After the funeral of his father (his mother had already passed).. a rellie came up to him and said his father wasn't his father. His mother was pregnant with him to another man and his 'father' married her. He was floored by that but went on to find his natural father (still alive) and half siblings. His mother had a bitter divorce with the man he thought was his father.. she cut him out of the wedding photos!
His mother must have asked someone to tell him about his natural father, after both what he thought were his parents had died.
Not good, imo.
|
|
joono
Posts: 5,480
Interests: Brussel sprouts, alfalfa sprouts, bean sprouts
|
Post by joono on Nov 30, 2019 2:03:15 GMT
That's horrible Fig. I hope it was not at the funeral he was told.
That doesn't sound like it was done with any love.
|
|
|
|
Post by dawn on Nov 30, 2019 2:56:25 GMT
That is a compilated situation. Are there biological siblings that the adopted person doesn't know about? It would be sad to not know if it is the case. My friend didn't have more children. The other parent married and had children. |
|
|
|
Post by humanbean on Nov 30, 2019 3:52:11 GMT
Sometimes having friends can be a real pain in the ass.
Dealing with their secrets can be discomforting.
|
|
|
|
Post by dawn on Nov 30, 2019 4:04:15 GMT
For me it was just something to think about and discuss to get opinions.
The concept is completely new to me.
My friend doesn't want advice or anything to change.
|
|
|
|
Post by humanbean on Nov 30, 2019 4:20:42 GMT
Ah, that is good.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2019 8:21:35 GMT
that's what i thought. why stir the mud now?
|
|
|
|
Post by dawn on Nov 30, 2019 9:21:02 GMT
Sin.... no mud stirring.
Think of it like I saw a documentary and I wanted to know what other people think about it.
Now let me tell you about the documentary on barnacle geese (it's hard to watch).
|
|
|
|
Post by flashie on Nov 30, 2019 10:13:25 GMT
I used to volunteer for an organisation called Jigsaw.
We used to try and reunite families separated through adoption.
This was before the government allowed access to birth information.
I 100% believe people should know their birth information.
I just hated some of the stories.
There was one where her baby died at 8 months............and she never knew.
How do you tell someone that.
She spent her life imagining her first day of school....her first boyfriend...her first job..........even her first grandchild.
That one broke my heart a little bit.
Another one a guy found out his best friend was his brother............and he had know his birth family all his life and none of them had ever clicked to the connection.
|
|
|
|
Post by pennybanger on Nov 30, 2019 10:22:02 GMT
Dawn, did the documentary tell you why they are called barnacle geese? It's because in England they are migratory (though there are now a few resident colonies) and in the Middle Ages, since nobody knew where they suddenly appeared from in October each year, a myth grew up that they emerged fully formed from barnacle shells.
|
|
|
|
Post by dawn on Nov 30, 2019 10:39:43 GMT
Flashie~ I considered that in this small town the chances are high that the child (adult) will inevitably meet a half sibling.
Penny~ the documentary didn't mention that. Watching the chicks willfully jump off a cliff is really hard.
|
|
joono
Posts: 5,480
Interests: Brussel sprouts, alfalfa sprouts, bean sprouts
|
Post by joono on Nov 30, 2019 13:54:16 GMT
I used to volunteer for an organisation called Jigsaw. We used to try and reunite families separated through adoption. This was before the government allowed access to birth information. I 100% believe people should know their birth information. I just hated some of the stories. There was one where her baby died at 8 months............and she never knew. How do you tell someone that. She spent her life imagining her first day of school....her first boyfriend...her first job..........even her first grandchild. That one broke my heart a little bit. Another one a guy found out his best friend was his brother............and he had know his birth family all his life and none of them had ever clicked to the connection. That breaks my heart too. |
|
